"DON'T KEEP ME ALIVE, UNLESS..."

I, Melvin Durai, being of sound mind and body, and concerned about the possibility of being kept alive in a vegitative state, either through a ventilator or other means, herby declare that no judge or politician shall have a say in any decision regarding my life. Any such decision shall be made solely by consulting a Living Will -- either Will Smith or Will Ferrell.

If neither of these actors is alive or able to exercise their "willpower," then this document shall serve as the final authority in determining whether to keep me alive, unless of course my wife still wants me around for tax purposes.

It is important, however, that I express my wishes, even if my wife has the right to overrule them, as she takes great pleasure in doing.

I do not want to be kept alive if I'm judged to be brain -dead, never mind that most people have already made that judgment. Medical doctors are well-qualified to make this determination, but I'd like to give them some pointers, in case they're reluctant to jeopardize my hospital lease. I'm brain-dead if any of the following occurs:

---A remote control is in my room and I'm not holding it.

---Halle Berry comes to my room and I don't smile.

---Someone reads me Bill Clinton's memoir and I don't fall asleep.

---Someone reads me Ann Coulter's book and I don't try to kill them.

Whether or not I am brain-dead, I do not want a feeding tube inserted into me, unless the tube is big enough to carry a pizza. I want to have a pizza regularly---and by "regularly," I mean three times a day. If I must have a feeding tube, I also want a drinking tube, preferably one that's connected to a bottle of Chardonnay. A little champagne now and then would suit me fine, too. Moderation is the key and I hereby appoint Boris Yeltsin as my moderator. He will be incharge of my drinking tube, with Ted Kennedy as the first alternate.

I would be remiss of I didn't mention organ donation. I want all my organs donated: my eyes to a blind person, my lungs to a cancer patient, my brain to one of those motorcyclists who don't wear helmets.

In conclusion, I would like to thank my lawyer, who recommended that I write this document, so that there will be no confusion whatsoever. To him, I leave my drinking tube.